Qualifications (A Billiam Buckingham Skit)

(A young man, dressed in a suit and carrying a briefcase, enters an office building. He tries to tell a couple different workers that he is there for a job interview, but he is ignored. A man close-by overhears the young man.)

BILLIAM: "Oh, you're here for that interview?"

INTERVIEWEE: "Yeah. You too?"

BILLIAM: "Okay, follow me."

INTERVIEWEE: "Great. Thanks."

BILLIAM: "No problem, bitch. Let's find an office, my office."

(Billiam looks into offices and rooms to see if they're empty.)

BILLIAM: "Hmm...not this one. Not that one. That's a break room, I guess."

(Billiam opens a door with no window.)

BILLIAM: "Whoooops. Janitors' closet."

(They continue searching.)

BILLIAM: "Here, this one looks good and empty. Yeah, this one'll be mine."

(The interviewee is confused, but pleased that he is going to get interviewed.)

(They both sit down. Billiam starts playing with something on the desk as if he's never seen it before.)

(Everything is silent.)

(Billiam breaks the silence by knocking everything off of the desk.)

BILLIAM: "So...what are your qualifications for this job, broseph?"

INTERVIEWEE: "I have a huge penis-JUST KIDDING! Ahahah."

(The interviewee laughs really loud, while Billiam doesn't even crack a smile and stares at the interviewee with hateful eyes.)

INTERVIEWEE: "That's just a little joke of mine. I'm just kiddin'."

BILLIAM: "So you don't have a big penis?"


BILLIAM: "You have a small penis. A very small penis. Is that what I'm hearing?"

INTERVIEWEE: "Well, I never said it was small, technic--"

BILLIAM: "Show me it."

INTERVIEWEE: "What?!? I'm not gonna show you my cock!"

BILLIAM: "Hey! Hey, we don't use that word in here!"

INTERVIEWEE: "What, 'cock'?"

BILLIAM: "Hey! Hey, fucker. We don't use that word in here. Now show me your cock."

INTERVIEWEE: "That's disgusting."

BILLIAM: "Your lack of etiquette is disgusting. Now show me your enormous, juicy cock."

INTERVIEWEE: "You one o' dem faggot types?"

BILLIAM: "No, but you are if you don't show me your giant cock."


BILLIAM: "Show me your gigantic cock or you won't get this job."

INTERVIEWEE: "I don't think I want this job anymore, and I don't want to do this interview anymore."



BILLIAM: "Yes, you want this job. Yes, you're going to continue this interview, and you're going to show me you titanic cock."

INTERVIEWEE: "I'm gonna go."

BILLIAM: "Show me your cock. You'll get the job. You'll be sandwiching your epic cock in one-million-dollar bills."

INTERVIEWEE: "Alright, I'll show you it."

(The interviewee starts taking off his belt.)

BILLIAM: "That's right."


(The interviewee starts reaching for Billiam's coffee cup to throw the coffee in his face. Suddenly, the employee whose office they're in enters. He is surprised, shocked, and disgusted that there are two people in his office that appear to be getting intimate.)

EMPLOYEE: "Whaddafuck es go-ing onnn?"

BILLIAM: "This guy's trying to rape me! Look, he's taking off his pants!"

EMPLOYEE: "You perverted piece of shit!"

(The employee starts beating up the interviewee. Billiam calmly climbs out the window, chewing his gum loudly like always. He steals a stapler before exiting.)