The News

(A voiceover is heard. On the screen is some images and news graphics.)

VOICEOVER: "Welcome, heathen, to Channel 99 News, where 'No news is good news.™'

NEWSCASTER: "Hi, I'm John Doe, along with Jane Smith. Women shouldn't be allowed in news."

JANE SMITH: "Excuse m-"

JOHN DOE: (interrupting) "-Our top story tonight...what dentists and doctors really do to you after they put you out and you are unconscious...and it involves a different type of 'scalpel'."

(DIRECTOR hands JOHN DOE a piece of paper.)

JOHN DOE: "Oh, I'm sorry, tonight's top story cannot be shown tonight because a new story has popped up. We've looked at our upcoming news schedule, and it looks like we won't have room for that story for at least eight years. Tonight's new top story: The president, who's fucking awesome, has just signed the bill that makes naming your kid 'Dick' a felony crime punishable by law, most times that means the death penalty."

JANE SMITH: "Here are tonight's lottery numbers. Blue Balls™: 36 24 36 and the One Ball Power Number™ is...69. The numbers are also online in case...I screwed up...because I'm a woman."

JOHN DOE: "Thanks, Jane."

JANE SMITH: "Your welcome."

JOHN DOE: "Just kidding, bitch. By the way, that's you're welcome. Learn how to differentiate between your and you're. Now we have Johnny Fucking Lightning in the field for a special report tonight."

(JOHN DOE is like the old, crabby, conservative, seasoned veteran of the news team, and JOHNNY FUCKING LIGHTNING is like the young, hip, cool, handsome, big shot, know-it-all new reporter.)

JOHNNY FUCKING LIGHTNING: "Hi, I'm Johnny Fucking Lightning. They say everyone likes to get fucked, but does everyone like to get fucked over? I went on a journ-"

JOHN DOE: (interrupting) "Who's 'they'?"


JOHN DOE: "Who's 'they'?! You didn't define who 'they' was. How the fuck do you expect the audience to follow along?"

JOHNNY FUCKING LIGHTNING: "It was the general 'they'."

JOHN DOE: "I'm going to kill you. I'm going to leave the studio, drive to where you're set up, and then I'm going to McMurder you."

JOHNNY FUCKING LIGHTNING: "I'm sorry, did you just say what you said? I mean, what did you just say? I mean, did you say what I think you said?"

(There is no response. We see JOHN DOE leaving the set and the studio, swearing all along the way. He gets in his car and spouts death threats all along his irresponsible drive. It is all documented on the news, since a camera man rides along in the car. JOHN DOE is looking all around, searching for JOHNNY FUCKING LIGHTNING. He spots him in an alley and brakes the car quickly. He gets out and runs towards JOHNNY FUCKING LIGHTNING.)

JOHN DOE: "There you are. I was looking for you, bitch."


JOHN DOE: "I'm gonna fucking kill you."

JOHNNY FUCKING LIGHTNING: "I heard. This isn't exactly shitty equipment the news team has."

JOHN DOE: "You mean it?"


JOHN DOE: "Well, then, that's the nicest thing you've ever said about the news station. You know what? I've had a change of fucking heart. I'm not going to kill you anymore."

JOHNNY FUCKING LIGHTNING: (nonchalant and sarcastically) "Really? That's great, bro."

JOHN DOE: "Yeah, it is great. But if you ever use a pronoun before defining first what the pronoun is, I will kill exceptions...and it'll hurt more than dying."