Lewis & Clark / Extreme Hiker
A man is walking briskly
through the woods/ a forest. Several seconds later, you see another man
pass through that same area, out of breath.
"Hey, man, wait up!"
"You think Lewis waited for Clark?!? Huh?!? That's right, he didn't,
'cos Clark wasn't a little bitch. Lewis didn't have to wait for Clark.
AND VICE VERSA!"
They continue walking through hilly terain at a fast pace. The second
man is sweating profusely, whereas the first man is calm and collected.
"Dude, seriously, I'm gonna fucking pass out..."
"WHAT?!? YOU THINK LEWIS PASSED OUT, HUH?!? NO, HE DIDN'T! WE WOULDN'T
BE HERE TODAY IF HE HAD!!!!! YOU THINK JOU HAVE IT SO TOUGH, SITTING AT
HOME, DOING YOUR COLLEGE COURSE BULLSHIT AND EATING CADBURY CREME EGGS,
HUH?!? WELL LET ME LET YOU IN ON A LITTLE SECRET....CLARK DIDN'T EAT CADBURY
CREME EGGS! AND NEITHER DID MERIWETHER FUCKING LEWIS!!!! THEY NEVER ATE
ONE GODDAMN CADBURY CREME EGG!"
"What does that have to do with anything?!?"
(There is no response.)
"Oh, God, man, I'm dying..."
"YOU THINK LEWIS DIED, BITCH? HUH? YOU THINK LEWIS EVER DIED?!? I'LL
ANSWER MY OWN QUESTION, THEN! NO, HE DIDN'T DIE! HE NEVER DIED! NEITHER
"Dude, Lewis died in 18-"
"--LEWIS NEVER DIED! HOW DARE YOU! ONLY PUSSIES DIE! ONLY PUSSIES
(At this point, he grabs an enormous rock and throws it off of the hill
they are on.)
"Dude, can I at least have some of the water I put in your backpack?"
"LISTEN TO ME! LOOK AT MY FUCKING EYES! LEWIS NEVER DRANK WATER,
HE WASN'T A FRUIT! CLARK DIDN'T DRINK WATER, YOU KNOW WHY?!? HE WASN'T
"I'll keep going, I just need a small drink, I'm getting dehydrated."
(The extreme hiker slaps the tired-out hiker.)
"What was that?!?"
"THAT WAS A SLAP FROM WILLIAM CLARK! 'COS THAT'S WHAT HE WOULD'VE
DONE IF LEWIS WOULDA BEEN SUCH A PUSSY...AND LET ME TELL YA--HE WASN'T!!!"
(They now start walking over rougher terrain.)
"This is a really bad trail."
"YOU THINK LEWIS & FUCKING CLARK WORRIED ABOUT THE TRAIL CONDITIONS?!?
THERE WERE NO TRAILS! THEY PAVED THE FUCKING TRAILS! DIDN'T YOU GRADUATE
(They now walk where there is no trail.)
"Oh, God, this is horrible, I'm gonna get hurt, I know it."
(He gets his foot caught on something on the ground and twists his ankle.)
"Oh, fuck! I think I broke my foot!"
"WHO CARES?! WHY ARE YOU STOPPING?!? WE'RE WASTING VALUABLE DAYLIGHT
TIME!" (It is 8 o'clock in the morning.) "YOU THINK LIFE WAITS
FOR A BROKEN FOOT?!? NO. YOU THINK EVERYBODY JUST SHUTS EVERYTHING DOWN
FOR A BROKEN FOOT?"
"YOU THINK THEY SHUT THE STOCK MARKET DOWN FOR A BROKEN FOOT?!?"
(The guy on the floor's eyes roll in the back of his head. He is in immense
"WHEN LEWIS BROKE HIS FOOT, CLARK KEPT GOING! HE KEPT ON DISCOVERING
THE COUNTRY, AND SHIT! WHICH IS MORE THAN YOU'LL EVER DO! EVER!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!"
(He is now screaming extremely loud right in the injured hikers face.)
"YOU KNOW WHAT CLARK DID? HE BROKE LEWIS'S FUCKING FOOT SOME MORE,
AND CALLED HIM A PUSSY!"
(The extreme hiker jumps up and lands down really hard with his hiking
boots on the injured hiker's foot. The injured hiker screams in agony.)