The Fetal Position

(A man named Edward is at work, talking to his coworkers. He wants to be in their research group, but they're hesitant to include him.)

Edward: "Well, on a different note, I got this silly shirt last night, I'm gonna wear it for Casual Friday tomorrow."

(Everybody cracks up and tries to restrain their laughter, except for Edward.)

Edward: "What? What's so funny?"

(Nobody answers him.)

(Later, a female coworker who overheard comes up to him.)

Female: "Edward, tomorrow's not Casual Friday, tomorrow's Thursday. Don't tell anyone I told you. I just felt bad for you, ya know?"

(Edward looks up at her stunned / shocked / surprised / terrified.)

(Cut to a shot of Edward at his house. He is lying on the floor. He is wet, cold, shaking, and in the fetal position, rocking back and forth, with a gun pointed to his own head. Show this for several seconds and then fade out.)

(Edward is at a party. Some partygoer who seems like he might be gay has just left.

Edward turns to the guy next to him and says "was that guy g-a-y gay?"

The guy nods.

Edward goes, "I knew it. I have one o' them, what do ya call dads?"

The guy next to him cracks up and goes, "I think you mean gaydars. You know, like a gay radar."

Everyone laughs at Edward.

(Cut to a shot of Edward in a room. A chair is in the middle of the room, and a tied rope is hanging from the ceiling, a 'noose', if you will. Edward stands on the chair and as he's putting his neck in the noose, the camera fades out.)

Edward is talking with a coworker. The coworker seems like he doesn't want to talk to Edward. Nobody really wants to talk to Edward. But Edward keeps talking anyway, since he's wondering about a coworker he likes.

Edward: "So, her boyfriend's moving away? Ooh, sounds like a prime opportunity to move in on her, if you catch my drift. Or are they gonna have one o' them LTD's?"

Coworker: "What's an LTD?"

Edward (in a matter-of-fact tone): "LTD...? Long-distance-relationship? Duh!...?"

The female they were talking about comes up next to them.

Edward: "That's LDR, Edward, but no one abbreviates long distance relationship, which is what me and my boyfriend are going to have."

(Cut to shot of Edward going into his garage later that day/night. He closes the garage door, gets in his car, starts the car, puts all the windows down, and sits there [hoping to get carbon monoxide poisioning].)

Edward is out on a date, with a girl, for probably the first time in his whole life. Don't get too sad, Edward's a fictional character.

Somehow Edward gets this girl at his house, although nothing sexual is going on. They're sitting at a table, eating, and talking. Edward made a romantic dinner...TV dinners, that is.

Date: "I've always wanted to get a nosejob..."

Edward drops his fork, the fork makes a clanging sound on the plate it was dropped onto.

Edward: "Oooh, that's hot. I've never heard of it, though. Do I just stick it in your nose...or what?"

This time, the female drops her fork, or whatever eating utensil she's using, and leaves.

(Cut to shot of Edward getting a glass from a cupboard. He puts ice in it, then goes into his bathroom. He pours cologne into the glass, and raises the glass to his mouth as the camera fades out.)