is there are a few guys sitting at a table, eating. They are talking
about some weird guy who lives with them.)
"Hortense?! Dude, what the fuck is that guy's problem?! He's always
breathing down my neck."
"So to speak?"
"No. Not so to speak...Literally."
"I’d be tickled pink if he got run over or left or something.”
(All of a sudden, you
hear a door slam open. A guy slowly comes out, looking like he's been
sleeping for three days straight, and all fucked up and dirty.)
"Who's getting their pink tickled?!?"
(Comes up behind Lyle, who is eating. His voice sounds like a woman
who used to be a man. Talking uncomfortably close to the guy's neck.
Scratching his genitalia.)
"HI LYLE HOW'S THE SANDWICH? CAN I HAVE SOME OF THE SANDWICH?"
(Takes a bite out of the sandwich, Lyle is totally weirded out. The
whole room is quiet.)
"HERE HERE'S YOUR SANDWICH"
(Doesn't take the sandwich back.)
(Walks to the fridge and opens up a new gallon of milk and takes a drink
straight from it.)
"Dude..what the fuck?!? I just bought that...that's not even yours!
You never buy any groceries, you just mooch off us. I think I speak
for all of us when I say we're getting sick of you and your shit, man."
(Seems like he didn't even hear what Lyle just said.)
(Takes a deep breath.)
"You guys ever had your shit pushed in? (Waits, looks around at
everyone. Everyone is clearly disgusted and has stopped eating.) One
time, I went to prison...I mean, jail, and I got my shit pushed in 17
times in one day. You're not a man unless you've had your shit pushed
in by 17 different guys at different times in one day. (Takes a deep
breath right behind one of the guy's neck.) How 'bout you? EVER HAD
YOUR SHIT PUSHED IN? Huh? Not just once...not just one little time?"
"No, dude, you just asked us. None of us have ever gotten our shit
pushed in. None of us are gay, dude."
(The camera switches over
to and zooms in on Alex Drossart and stays there for several moments.)
"Gay?!? Who said anything about gay?! You don't have to be gay
to get your shit pushed in. I'll push your shit in. Doesn't mean you're
gay...or that I'm gay. You won't be gay after. You don't have to like
it...it just happens. You know?"
(Moves in very close to Steve as he is saying this.)
(Freaked the fuck out.)
"What are you doing, dude?!? Get the fuck away from me!"
(Pushes Hortense as hard as he can.)
(Falls back into the fridge and onto the floor.)
"Oh, you're just playing hard to get. Come here once."
(Chases Steve around the house. Eventually, Steve gets backed up into
a room. The door is closed, and you hear loud screaming for four straight
minutes. Once in a while, you hear Hortense saying in a deep voice,
"OH YEAH, BOY!" Hortense comes out of the room, clean as a
(Limps out of the room two minutes later, grabbing his ass, his eyes
do not move as he stares at nothing.)
"Call the po-lice. Call the po-lice."