"Eat the Butter, Grandma!" (Rewritten)

(There is an old lady sitting down at a table. She is reading the paper. A boy (her grandson) comes up and clears the whole table by pushing everything off. He unwraps a stick of butter, throws the butter down on the table in front of his grandma, and stabs it with a knife.)

Boy (Grandson)
"Eat the fuckin' butter, grandma!"

Grandma
(quietly) "No...I don't want the butter..."

Boy (Grandson) (gets in her face)
"What did you say?!?"

Grandma
"I don't want any butter..."

Boy (Grandson)
"Am I gunna hafta make you eat this fucking butter...'cos I will, I sooooo fucking will."

Grandma
"I don't want the butter."

Boy (Grandson)
"Eat the fuckin' butter, grandma. Grandma, come on. Don't be a bitch. Don't you wanna have strong bones, grandma? That flu shot won't help if you don't eat this fucking butter. You're gonna get SARS, grandma, you're gonna get SARS and monkeypox and West Nile Virus and Mad Cow Disease if you don't eat every particle of this butter. Antibiotics don't do shit, pills don't do shit if you don't take your daily butter supplement."

Grandma
"No, no."'

Boy (Grandson)
"No? No what? Hey grandma, you only gave me $5 dollars for my birthday. What kind of piece a shit present is that?!? Don't you think there's been inflation since you were coherent and not senile? Don't you think prices have risen, huh? You think five dollars still covers expenses today, huh, you little fucking bitch? Five dollars, ha! I can't even buy condoms with that."

Grandma
"Oh, you liked my gift?"

Boy (Grandson)
"What! Are you fucking kidding?! Did you hear what I just said? I hated it!"

Grandma
"Qué clause?"

Boy (Grandson)
"I fucking hated it, grandma! But we're straying off the subject at hand here, which is of course, the butter." (He studies the butter.) "Beautiful, magical, lovable, intriguing...yellow, butter. There's nothing like it in this world, this universe, and there never will be. So fucking eat it, grandma, eat the fucking butter!"

Grandma
"I don't like butter."

Boy (Grandson)
"Not good enough reason, grandma. I got margarine too."

Grandma
"I'm on the no-carb diet."

Boy (Johnny)
"Oh, shit, really? Fuck. Well, I'm done trying to reason with you with words...I'm going to force-feed you this tasty butter."

(He is about to shove the butter in his grandma's face, when his mommy comes home from running errands.)

Mom
"Ah wah! What are you doing to your grandma, that poor thing?!?"

Boy (Grandson)
"I'm feeding grandma, mom, aren't you proud of me?"

Mom
"I work all day taking rear deliveries and licking fudge, and this is what I have to come home to at night?"

Boy (Grandson)
"No."

Mom
"That was a rhetorical question. You didn't have to answer that."

Boy (Grandson)
"Yeah, well, you might say I'm an overachiever. I answer questions to which there is no answer, but I cannot answer one's question if one is asking why this wrinkly old bitch won't devour this delicious butter!"

Mom
"I work all day juggling balls and stroking poles to afford raising you, and this is how you repay me?"

Boy (Grandson)
"I guess...wait, what?"

Mom
"I toss salads and take in meat all day, and I have to deal with this when I come home?"

Boy (Grandson)
"Did you say tossin--"

Mom
"You're gonna be punished for this!"

Boy (Grandson)
"Oh, fuck! I mean, shit! I mean god damn it! It wasn't me. It's all your fault, grandma! If only you would've ate the butter, none of this would've happened!"

Mom
"It's not grandma's fault, Johnny."

Boy (Grandson)
"It's not my fault, if that's what you're getting at! I can't help it! I'm just a vulnerable little consumer! I'm just so brainwashed by all the violence, profanity, and sex in the media, like in movies, music, video games, and television. Quentin Tarantino, Marilyn Manson, Pac-Man, and Pamela Anderson all have brainwashed me! I'm a victim, can't you see that, mommy?!?"

Mom
"It's Toxic Green, isn't it? Those flaming cocksuckers at Toxic Green are gonna pay! I'm gonna sue those faggots for every piece of shit penny they have! They will know my name! I am Mom aka Female #1! Die, Toxic Green, die!"

Boy
"So what's my punishment?"

Mom
"I'm still giving you a punishment? Oh, okay, your punishment is four hours with grandma, so you can learn to be nice to her. It's kind of like a timeout, but with grandma. You listen to what she has to say...you can learn alot from her. I'm going to go 'take it in the ass' for four hours. Bye."

(Exit Mommy.)

Boy
"Looks like it's just you and me, grandmaaaaaaaaaaaaahahahah. Ahahaha! Ahaha! Ahaha. Hey, you hungry, grandma, 'cos I have some choice butter here with your name on it, so to speak."