"Eat the Butter, Grandma!" (Rewritten)
(There is an
old lady sitting down at a table. She is reading the paper. A boy (her
grandson) comes up and clears the whole table by pushing everything off.
He unwraps a stick of butter, throws the butter down on the table in front
of his grandma, and stabs it with a knife.)
"Eat the fuckin' butter, grandma!"
(quietly) "No...I don't want the butter..."
Boy (Grandson) (gets in
"What did you say?!?"
"I don't want any butter..."
"Am I gunna hafta make you eat this fucking butter...'cos I will,
I sooooo fucking will."
"I don't want the butter."
"Eat the fuckin' butter, grandma. Grandma, come on. Don't be a bitch.
Don't you wanna have strong bones, grandma? That flu shot won't help if
you don't eat this fucking butter. You're gonna get SARS, grandma, you're
gonna get SARS and monkeypox and West Nile Virus and Mad Cow Disease if
you don't eat every particle of this butter. Antibiotics don't do shit,
pills don't do shit if you don't take your daily butter supplement."
"No? No what? Hey grandma, you only gave me $5 dollars for my birthday.
What kind of piece a shit present is that?!? Don't you think there's been
inflation since you were coherent and not senile? Don't you think prices
have risen, huh? You think five dollars still covers expenses today, huh,
you little fucking bitch? Five dollars, ha! I can't even buy condoms with
"Oh, you liked my gift?"
"What! Are you fucking kidding?! Did you hear what I just said? I
"I fucking hated it, grandma! But we're straying off the subject
at hand here, which is of course, the butter." (He studies the butter.)
"Beautiful, magical, lovable, intriguing...yellow, butter. There's
nothing like it in this world, this universe, and there never will be.
So fucking eat it, grandma, eat the fucking butter!"
"I don't like butter."
"Not good enough reason, grandma. I got margarine too."
"I'm on the no-carb diet."
"Oh, shit, really? Fuck. Well, I'm done trying to reason with you
with words...I'm going to force-feed you this tasty butter."
(He is about to shove the
butter in his grandma's face, when his mommy comes home from running errands.)
"Ah wah! What are you doing to your grandma, that poor thing?!?"
"I'm feeding grandma, mom, aren't you proud of me?"
"I work all day taking rear deliveries and licking fudge, and this
is what I have to come home to at night?"
"That was a rhetorical question. You didn't have to answer that."
"Yeah, well, you might say I'm an overachiever. I answer questions
to which there is no answer, but I cannot answer one's question if one
is asking why this wrinkly old bitch won't devour this delicious butter!"
"I work all day juggling balls and stroking poles to afford raising
you, and this is how you repay me?"
"I guess...wait, what?"
"I toss salads and take in meat all day, and I have to deal with
this when I come home?"
"Did you say tossin--"
"You're gonna be punished for this!"
"Oh, fuck! I mean, shit! I mean god damn it! It wasn't me. It's all
your fault, grandma! If only you would've ate the butter, none of this
"It's not grandma's fault, Johnny."
"It's not my fault, if that's what you're getting at! I can't help
it! I'm just a vulnerable little consumer! I'm just so brainwashed by
all the violence, profanity, and sex in the media, like in movies, music,
video games, and television. Quentin Tarantino, Marilyn Manson, Pac-Man,
and Pamela Anderson all have brainwashed me! I'm a victim, can't you see
"It's Toxic Green, isn't it? Those flaming cocksuckers at Toxic Green
are gonna pay! I'm gonna sue those faggots for every piece of shit penny
they have! They will know my name! I am Mom aka Female #1! Die, Toxic
"So what's my punishment?"
"I'm still giving you a punishment? Oh, okay, your punishment is
four hours with grandma, so you can learn to be nice to her. It's kind
of like a timeout, but with grandma. You listen to what she has to say...you
can learn alot from her. I'm going to go 'take it in the ass' for four
"Looks like it's just you and me, grandmaaaaaaaaaaaaahahahah. Ahahaha!
Ahaha! Ahaha. Hey, you hungry, grandma, 'cos I have some choice butter
here with your name on it, so to speak."