Divide
by Cancer
BASED ON EVERYONE'S THIRD GRADE
MATH
TEACHER
(A student is having trouble
on an assignment that the class has been given class time to work on.
He is frustrated and raises his hand.)
(The teacher's head snaps
up instantly, as if he has some sixth sense when students raise their
hand. The shot shows both the kid's hand as it raises and the teacher's
head as it raises. The teacher shoots up, knocking over his chair. He
runs to the kid's desk, knocking over something like a podium.)
TEACHER: (loudly) "Yyeeeeeesssssssss!?"
STUDENT #1: "Um, yeah,
I'm kinda stuck here."
TEACHER: "Okay, let's
see. You got that...you did that...you..oh, here. Now try dividing by
cancer, okay?"
STUDENT #1: "You may
be right. Hmm...the cancers cancel out."
TEACHER: "Yes. Get
rid of that cancer."
STUDENT #1: "And now
I get 13. Excellent. Thanks. You're good."
TEACHER: "Hey, it's
why I get paid more than you."
STUDENT #1: "I don't
get paid for this..."
(There is a long dramatic
pause, and the camera zooms in on the confused student's face and the
confused and surprised teacher's face.)
TEACHER: "You don't?"
(Another student raises
his hand. The teacher, still staring deeply into the eyes of the first
student, climbs over students and desks to get to the new student.)
TEACHER: "YYYYEEEEEEEESSSSSSSS??"
STUDENT #2: "Um, I'm
not sure if this is what he just asked or similar, but I have some serious
problems here."
TEACHER: "Some serious
math problems! Ahaha! Actually, this is a little different. Here you take
the square root of cancer, and then you have plus or minus/positive or
negative cancer and then you just plug the cancer into this equation here.
See, there's a lot you can do with cancer, so there's many different properties
and theorems involving cancer. You can add cancer, subtract cancer, multiply
by cancer, divide by cancer, square cancer, take the square root of cancer,
substitute cancer, graph cancer, and much, much more."
STUDENT #2: "Thanks,
teach. You're the best."