Toxic Green

Hello, it’s Paul Frank. I don’t know if anyone visits this blog anymore (or if anyone visits ToxicGreen.com in general anymore), but just wanted to give you an update on what I’ve been doing lately in case anyone enjoyed anything on Toxic Green.

If you haven’t noticed, I made a new video recently called ‘Pregnant and Single Dating Commercial.’ Here’s the YouTube video link.

I’ve been running a column/blog on a site that’s in the National Lampoon network of websites. It’s called Points in Case, and it’s a really great comedy website. Here’s the link to my column.

I also had several articles on the front page of Points in Case that I consider to be really funny. Here are those articles.

I’ve been running a daily comedy blog for no one but myself (and you). It’s a Tumblr blog, which means it has funny videos, text, pictures, conversations, quotes, and more. All original, made up by me, and with the one purpose of being funny. It’s been keeping me productive and keeps my mind on comedy (which in turn, keeps me funny). Here’s that link.

I’ve been writing some articles on College Humor. The articles are somewhere in the middle of my short comedy blurbs on my personal comedy blog and my longer front-page articles on Points in Case. Here’s my College Humor articles link.

I’ve been writing a novel for National Novel Writing Month. It’s a comedy novel about O.J. Simpson. Here’s the current rough draft.

I’m making a funny video with my roommate. That’s my most recent video, and it will be online soon.

Other than that, I’m planning on some future projects, which include a new website similar to Toxic Green, with sketch comedy videos and short skit scripts. I’ll keep you posted.

*No puns were intended in this article.

I started a new comedy blog that is updated everyday! Go to it now! Depressed Clown is the name.

In other news, my professor said the word ’shit’ 17 times today. No joke! I was counting. Isn’t that ridiculous? He put it in practically every sentence somehow. And he was calm about it, too.

Shit, you know?

Hey everyone and anyone (and no one, more likely).

I started a new site called Depressed Clown. Don’t get too excited, though. It’s a Tumblr blog kind of thing. But Tumblr is not your typical blog. It’s awesome since you can easily post videos, text, links, photos, etc., which is what I’ll be doing. Posting videos. Posting text. Posting links. Posting photos. Easily. And funny ideas, stories, oh wait those are text. FUCK! Check it out already. I have nothing more to say.

That last paragraph lied. I have a lot more to say.

That last paragraph/sentence hybrid lied. I have a little more to say, not a lot.

Anyways, check out the site. It will be updated all the time, guaranteed.

I just wrote a laugh-tastic article for the comedy website Points in Case called “Roommates You Wish You Hated”. It’s really funny and the editor of Points in Case thought so as well. So keep checking that site vigilantly since it will be on the front page this week.

If you’ll remember, I got a short feature published on that site a while back called “Snoop Dogg Visits His Grandma.” Also comedy gold. If I had real gold for every time I wrote comedy gold, I wouldn’t be rich, but I would for sure have some spare gold laying around. And that’s saying something.

If you guys are nice, maybe I’ll put the article up early on Toxic Green. So shower me with your comments. Just kidding. Don’t. Because I can see in a year or so the link saying “O comments” right after this post saying “I’ll kiss your balls for some comments.” I don’t want to beg you for comments and then not get any, you know!!!!!

(Seriously, though, ball-kissing for comments? Anyone? ANYONE?)

Q: How can I help my children’s cuts, scrapes, and bruises heal faster?

A: Stop hitting them for a week.

            Local college student Jeffrey Hughes was driving home from “2 A.M. church” this Saturday when a telephone pole “came out of nowhere” and slammed into his car. “I could practically smell the alcohol on that pole’s breath. It should get off the fuckin’ road when it’s drunk.” Jeff, on the other hand, doesn’t “sin and drink and drive”, saying he did become inebriated with joy and relief that he didn’t die. He also added that he shotgunned a few beers in celebration of that fact before the cops arrived on the scene.

            Police say this is the first incident they have had with a drunken pole, but assured Jeff they will investigate. Jeff claims this isn’t his first incident with drunken poles or drunken kids playing on the side of the road. The female police officer let Jeff go, telling him to drive carefully in the future. “I know, donut vagina. That’s a compliment. Want to have sex?”           

            Jeff plans to go on a binge of motivational speaking at local bars, warning people about the dangers of poles on the side of the road, as well as trees and mailboxes. He was last seen screaming at a pole in the early hours of the morning and then pissing on it, then crying, lying back against the pole in the puddle of his fresh piss.

            The pole didn’t survive the accident. Funeral services will be held Wednesday.

Before I get into my story, please allow me to dissect the title. Please.

We’ve all heard the phrase ‘Mean streets of _____’. I never knew a street that was mean, HOWEVER the phrase exists. So can streets be nice? Can streets be selfish? What other adjectives or emotions or descriptions can be applied to these streets? ‘The Hungry Streets of Tallahasee’?

Anyways, last night, me and a friend were driving through Green Bay, WI, bored. So we tried finding the ‘bad’ streets of Green Bay. Apparently, there is no such thing. We went to all the streets that are somewhat notorious for crime. Nobody was out. No prostitutes on the street corners. No drug dealers. No kids playing in the street. No black people. Granted, it was about one o’ clock a.m. on a Tuesday. But, come on, these ‘bad’ people we were trying to find don’t have jobs. They don’t need to be sleeping at one a.m. They need to be causing a ruckus. I NEED THEM TO BE CAUSING A RUCKUS. You know, to cure my boredom.

Anyways, we only saw one thing of interest on our ghetto cruise. A middle-aged woman standing in her front lawn HOLDING A BAT AND WEARING A BRA WITH NO SHIRT. A woman I assume was her mom was outside with her, too, but she was fully clothed, and not at the recieving end of the bat.

Which raises the questions: Why the bat? Why no shirt?

Which leaves me guessing possible scenarios/explanations: 

• She heard someone driving by (us)
• Her boyfriend was coming over and she was gonna greet him with a bat in the face
• Her boyfriend just departed and left her with a new bruise
• The woman was playing a friendly game of baseball. At one in the morning. With no shirt on. With no ball. By herself.

Things in Iraq: How Are They? Are They Okay? by Paul Frank

Things in Iraq: They Seem Alright, Don’t They, Honey? by Paul Frank

Things in Iraq: You Could Say I Know Some Things About the Things in Iraq by Paul Frank by Paul Frank

Things in Iraq: I Guess You Could Say I Have a Boner for Them by Paul Frank

Things in Iraq: Merry Christmas, God by Paul Frank

Things in Iraq: Look, They’re Not So Fuckin’ Great, Alright? by Paul Frank

Things in Iraq: Are They Less Than And/Or Equal To The Things In Vietnam by Paul Frank Introduction by Paul Frank Foreword by Paul Frank Afterword by Paul Frank

300 - The title of this movie refers to the number of boners you’ll get while watching all the computer-generated, six-pack having, identical warriors.

Zodiac - Jake Gyllenhaal is gayer in this movie than he was in Brokeback Mountain. Jake Gyllenhaal enjoys penis.

Black Snake Moan - ‘Black Snake’ is obviously a reference to Samuel L. Jackson’s penis. The ‘Moan’ refers to the noise Christina Ricci makes as she gets gangbanged by Samuel L. Jackson and Justin Timberlake.

Dead Silence - This horror movie is exactly one and a half hours of complete silence. Scary shit.

The Good Shepherd - This movie’s about a shepherd, furthermore one who’s good. He really herds those sheep good.

The Number 23 - Refers to the number of hours this movie was in theaters before Jim Carrey realized he has ruined his career.

Children of Men - This movie is about everyone who is a child of a man - which turns out to be about 6.6 billion people. Or it’s about kids who have two gay daddies, thus children of men. Or it’s about guys who are pregnant, literally children of men. I don’t know. I didn’t see it.

So it appears to me that we have gotten a new camcorder! Yes, you read my blog right, a new camcorder!

 And we already filmed us a little skit or two (just one).

It’s called Dog Food, I guess.

We transferred it to the computer using Firewire instead of stupid USB.

We edited it.

We compressed it into Quicktime.

You should watch it, maybe.

You should watch it, definitely.

Right now it’s on the front page of the site. Go. Go!